What are they thinking about me?

Third graders are delving more deeply into understanding how their behaviors affect how others think and feel about them. We all want people to like us, and one way to help make that happen is to have expected behaviors, which make people have good thoughts and feelings about us.

In class councils, third graders each came up with examples of  their own behaviors -- an expected behavior that they have most of the time, and an unexpected behavior that they have some of the time. After choosing their behaviors, they considered what others might think about them.

One of my favorite things about having kids learn about expected and unexpected behaviors is that it helps them understand that their behaviors are separate from who they are. Unfortunately, sometimes when kids do things that others don't like, break rules, or fail to follow directions, they think of themselves as "bad" or "stupid" or that the person who is unhappy with their behavior just doesn't like them. This can lead to feelings of shame, and avoidance or lashing out, rather than addressing the behavior. However, when they look at their behavior just in itself, they are better able to identify the behavior as a mistake that they can fix. They can see that it is my behavior and not me that people don't like. Telling a child, "Yelling is unexpected. I am noticing that people are having uncomfortable thoughts. What can you do so that they have comfortable thoughts about you?" helps them move toward changing their behavior.

The third graders did a great job being honest and matter of fact about their unexpected behaviors. No one needed help identifying one -- no one felt shamed! Their ideas about what people might think were spot on. I was so proud of them!

 Here is some of their insightful work:

 

What's in Your Thinking Bubble?

No matter what we do, our behavior affects how other people think about us. If you help someone pick up something he dropped, he might think: "He's nice," or "I like being his friend." If you say something mean, another kid might think: "She's rude," or "I am not going to sit with her." They might not say it out loud, but you can be sure that these thoughts are in their "thinking bubbles."

In one of our class councils, third graders used personal white boards as their thinking bubbles so that everyone could see the kinds of thoughts people have in response to expected and unexpected behaviors. When we have expected behaviors, people have good thoughts and good feelings about us. When we have unexpected behaviors, people have uncomfortable thoughts and feelings about us.

In these pictures, third graders are showing what is in their thinking bubbles when "Person A" calls someone else a name -- "Person A" is mean, a big bully, not nice, etc. We used several different examples of expected and unexpected behaviors, and the kids wanted to keep going past the end of class council time. It was pretty eye opening for them to recognize what an impact their behavior has on how other people think and feel about them and how it affects whether or not others want to be their friend, work partner, or seatmate.

Third Graders Learn About Expected and Unexpected Behaviors

In our class councils, third graders have been learning about how their behaviors affect how others think and feel about them. Expected behaviors make people have good thoughts and good feelings about us. When we have expected behaviors, others think things like "I like being around this kid," or "She/he is a good worker." They might feel happy, relaxed, or proud about us. Unexpected behaviors make people have uncomfortable thoughts and uncomfortable feelings about us. When we have unexpected behaviors, others think things like, "That kid is unfriendly," or "He/she is making it hard for me to concentrate on my work." They might feel upset, frustrated, or angry with us.

The third graders have done a lot of thinking about expected and unexpected behaviors. They noticed that different settings call for different expected behaviors. Calling out is an expected behavior at recess, but unexpected in the classroom. Sitting at your desk is expected when you are doing your work, but unexpected when your teacher has given the direction to line up. They also noticed that expected behaviors change as we get older. Crying is an expected behavior for a hungry baby, but not for a hungry first grader or teacher. Asking for food is an expected behavior for a hungry first grader, but not for a hungry baby or teacher. Waiting to eat until a work break is an expected behavior for a hungry teacher, but not for a hungry baby or first grader. A teacher crying about being hungry would definitely make third graders have uncomfortable thoughts and feelings!

Here are a few examples of expected and unexpected behaviors for third graders that the kids identified. Can you guess why expected behaviors are written in green and unexpected behaviors are written in red?

Expected Behaviors
playing safely
raising your hand in the classroom
listening to directions
focusing on your work
handling disappointments quietly
using kind words
looking at the person you're talking to

Unexpected Behaviors
getting into others' personal space
pushing in line
distracting others
interrupting the teacher
side conversations
playing with objects in your desk
bullying